


Ivy Valentine vs. The World!

by thatfanficguy



Category: Soul Calibur
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, But he is, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Hopefully anime references will be sprinkled in liberally, I said "original male character" but never specify that the Divine Informant is male, Ivy fights a bunch of people from across fighting games and pop culture, Liberal use of tropes, Meta, More Fandoms Will Be Added - Freeform, More characters will also be added, Multiple Crossovers, Oh dear lord it gets so meta, Parody, Self-referential humor, So much more is to come, Super-mega-ultra crack, Tropes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:01:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22963567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatfanficguy/pseuds/thatfanficguy
Summary: Isabella "Ivy" Valentine, renowned pop culture icon and waifu of many, is dropped head-first into a crack-fic to fight other opponents from across the multiverse! She'll kick some ass! She'll get her ass kicked! A snarky godlike OC will express his ultimate power over fanfiction! Thrills, chills and some crazy spills! All this and more on... Ivy Valentine vs. The World!





	Ivy Valentine vs. The World!

A loud, fleshy thud echoes off the elaborately columned walls.

That was the sound of a human body hitting the tiled floor of an otherworldly arena. This (admittedly well-formed) human body belonged to one Countess Isabella Valentine, better known to the pop culture world as Ivy. Ivy stood; her obnoxious costume staying in place beyond any realistic nip-slip expectation and drew her trusty sword Valentine.

“What is this place? Why am I here?” Ivy shouted, flicking her wrist to extend her sword to its whip form.

**Booming laughter fills the room.**

Ivy looked around for the source of the voice and came up empty.

**“You’re in The Arena, of course.” A disembodied voice called out, echoing against the walls. “And why? That’ll all come out later.”**

“Who’s speaking? Show yourself!” She demanded angrily.

**“Ehhhh, nope.”** **If the voice had a body attached to it, it would be shrugging noncommittally.** Ivy, having none of this, turned on her heel and walked to the door. When she tried to open it, she found that it was only painted on.

“What is this place?” Ivy asked, flattening her hand against the painted doorknob.

**“It’s a pocket dimension.” The voice said, as if that would clear everything up.**

“I don’t know what that means, you imbecilic voice.” Ivy spit.

**“I suggest you don’t call me an imbecile. But, I suppose a 16 th century woman such as yourself would be a bit confused on the finer points of pocket dimensions, along with other elements of complicated parody and crack-fic physics that I’ve employed here. Don’t worry, by the nature of this dimension, and my powers, you’ll learn fast. It’s the only way to get through all the background information and confusion, plus make some really good jokes.” **Ivy looked up at the ceiling, confused.

“Pocket dimension? Parody? _Crack-fic_? You’re speaking in tongues, demon.”

**“I’ll assure you of two things. One, everything I said is a real word, and two, I am not a demon. Furthest thing from it, in fact.”**

“Well, what does this all mean? I’ve studied alchemy and magic for most of my life, and this has never come up in my studies.” Ivy paced around, trying to locate the origin of the voice that seemed to boom around her from every direction.

**“That’s because this isn’t alchemy, or magic. I didn’t expect you to understand any of this.”**

“Make me understand, then.” She ordered.

**The voice let out a long, “Alright, let’s make this easy. Crack-fic is a really absurd work of fanfiction. Like this one.” The voice laughed.**

“Fan… fiction?” Ivy was bewildered.

**The voice laughed once again, though this time it was more of a cackle. “You’ll find out about that in due time, Ms. Valentine. So, moving on. This is a pocket dimension, meaning that this arena stands alone. See that door over there?”**

Ivy looked over towards the “entrance” of the arena.

“You mean the door that’s painted on the wall?”

**“Yep. Even if it was real, it would open to nothing. Nothing exists outside this arena. Just an empty void. You’d fall through and be lost, dead, basically this version of you would cease to exist. The arena _is this whole dimension_. And parody is just a spoof of an original work.” The voice sighed a disgruntled sigh. “Here, let me just…” A sound effect rang out through the walls of the room, like a stereotypical sparkle, or tingling of bells. “That starts a slow process of turning you into a more suitable character for this fic. You’ll start to get it in three, two, one…”**

Ivy blinked “That clears everything up quite nicely. But where are you speaking from?”

**“Everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”**

Ivy raised an eyebrow.

**The voice sighed. “Fine. Look around the arena for a second.”**

Ivy looked around the arena. It was your standard circular room, with the arena’s floor designated for fighting. There were some decorative columns and torches along the walls, save for the empty space where the door was. Another empty space was along the part of the wall that Ivy was now facing. There was a vaguely human silhouette, moving around a structure that left Ivy confused, but one that would easily be recognized as a sports announcer’s box with heavily tinted windows. It was hanging high from the wall. Ivy looked up at it judgmentally.

**“Hey. No one ever said that architecture had to be perfect.”**

“Who are you anyway!?” Ivy shouted.

**The voice cackled once again. “Oh, Ms. Valentine, wouldn’t you like to know?”**

“It’s _Countess_.” She corrected. “Just, give me a straight answer, damn it, or else I’m going to leave!”

**The voice keeps laughing. It’s having a _grand_ time with all this. “You’re not leaving for a very long time. But alright, if you have to know, I’m The Divine Informant.”**

“The hell?” Her tone was distinctly not that of a 16th century countess.

**The Divine Informant chuckled raucously. This is all going according to its plan. “Holy shit, it looks like the OOC is starting to take effect. This is gonna be great. Yeah, The Divine Informant, that’s me.”**

“So… you’re God?” Ivy asked.

**The Divine Informant hummed. “Mmm, not quite. I’m _a_ god. I have no religious connections. But, I do have what you humans would call “godly powers.”**

“Pinch me, I must be dreaming.” Ivy said in disbelief.

**The Divine Informant laughed once again, long and hard. It really should stop, but boy, if it isn’t having the time of its life. “Oh, man, you’re funny. You’re not dreaming, Ivy.”**

“It’s Countess Valenti-Oh, fine. Something tells me you won’t listen anyway.” Ivy crossed her arms over her ridiculously-proportioned chest.

**“Smart woman.” The Divine Informant conceded**

“Just let me leave already! Haven’t I been through enough confusion?”

**“Ivy, Ivy, Ivy. You’re not leaving for a long time.” The Divine Informant tsk-ed.**

“Then why are you keeping me here?” She asked

**Its body would have shrugged. “Entertainment.”**

“Oh my goodness, I’m trapped in who knows where with some kind of sadistic god.” Ivy began to panic and pace the length of the arena’s floor.

**“Sadistic? That’s a stretch.” The Divine Informant paused momentarily. “Actually; yeah, that fits.”**

“LET ME LEAVE!!!” Ivy shouted, shaking her sword up at the ceiling.

**“Nah. You have a purpose here, don’t worry.”**

“Will you stop being so secretive?! Let me know what this purpose is!!”

**“Alright, alright. Cat’s out of the bag. You’re here to fight. I’m going to summon opponents from various universes, mostly fighting games, and you’re going to fight them.” The voice’s face would have had a wicked grin.**

Ivy sweatdropped out of pure exasperation. Immediately after, she jumped back in shock.

“What the hell is on my face?”

**“A giant caricatured drop of sweat. Don’t worry, it’ll go away soon. It’s part of the crack-fic physics; a little bit of anime logic can get thrown in from time to time. Capiche? And even if you don’t understand,” a quick snap reverberated off the walls, “now you do. The slow effect was being too slow, so congrats, enjoy your instant ‘no more confusion.’”**

“I… I actually get it.” Ivy paused, before frowning. “Wait, I changed the subject! So… I’m here to fight? In a pocket dimension that exists as a multiverse in some absurd work of parody crack fanfiction?”

**The Divine Informant’s head would have nodded at this. “Yep, you heard me. You’re going to fight. It’s going to be meta. It’s going to be tropey. And it’s going to be _AWESOME!!!_ ”**


End file.
